my rainbows

I remember reading from some book that sometimes we react in ways that are ugly, we behave in ways that we shouldn't and we say "that's not me" but in real fact, that's the real us, the sinful person capable of so much...the sinful person so in need of God's grace. (Okay, that was a really bad paraphrase but you get the gist)

I saw how self-centered, how selfish, how wretched a person I really am. (And lest anyone thinks otherwise, I'm not writing this to hear people tell me that I'm not, because I know myself and I am) I think the realization is helping me understand "saved by grace" on a whole new level. I'm right with God, I am capable of loving, I get second, third and fourth chances not because of what I can do but because of what Jesus has done for me.

I'm not sure if I'm making sense to anyone or if it's really just so cliche but this realization just brings joy and many smiles on my face. I think thankfulness is the word and what I'm feeling now. I just feel like dancing and shouting it out on the mountaintop but okay lah, posting it on the blog will suffice. :)

At the end of the day, it boils down to knowing and trusting God's character.

Do I trust that God loves me?
Do I trust that God has my best interest at heart?
Do I trust that my circumstance is never beyond God's control?

Indeed, thank God for grace that is already flowing. I don't lose grace or favour just because I fail or falter sometimes. I have to stop looking back and start moving ahead with Him.

This holiday is turning out to be more productive than before, productive in the sense that I'm doing a lot more of what I want to do in addition to the bumming around.

Went running with Calebs :) before they went on to play tennis with Xinwen. It's been a long long time since I played tennis. I'm very thankful for how they are very patient and encouraging. It's nice when you feel lousy about how bad you are at something and people tell you it's alright and they teach you (: I've finally found sports buddies who live nearby.

Ditto playing pool. Joyce and I were on the phone last night and we agreed that if not for people who would teach us, we probably won't enjoy playing pool very much. Smiles for the whole gang who taught and encouraged me even when I was losing patience with myself. (: Joyce and Kevin! I'm looking forward to finally playing pool with you guys when Joyce gets back from Malaysia.

Meeting up with Joelle, Wanteng and Simon. We didn't have our chompchomp supper 'cos I was lazy to go all the way but we had Botak Jones at Clementi. (: It was just good catching up with them after the crazy semester that we have been saying that we would meet up.

Coffee with Peggy. Another friendship that begun very unexpectedly that I'm very thankful for. (: The honesty we share even though we don't meet up so often is precious to me. Hang in there sister!

Dinner with Geraldine. (: Someone I really enjoy hanging out with even though we don't get to do it often. I get inspired a lot by her (maybe 'cos we're the same age), when I hear about the faith steps she's taken. Jiayou for Sunday!

Babysitting Amber, my favourite baby. She'a s joy to watch and play with. (: And of course, her mummy is good company too. Who would have thought that I would start going to the same church as the teacher I kept bumping into at the interchange 2 years ago. (:

So, the holiday's has been pretty ordinary, ordinary but fulfilling.

Checking in to thank God for more time. :) Met up with the dearest prayer buddy yesterday! It was timely how I was thinking to myself, I really need to have a time of retreat and I smsed Wanteng only to find out that she was thinking the exact same thing.

We had a yummy lunch before heading down to RP. Well, God's really amazing, how He spoke right into our lives. Went for LM at RP after that and I invited Yongling to join us. It was good, gathering with sisters and brothers. I sure miss the bunch of them. I miss the Crusade family lah! (:






Irene :D

my pretty friend (she's gonna say "of course!" =D)

Wanteng and me chatting till late at my void deck after a long day

Wanteng's moving in to GCTC (Crusade place) for her training next week. Really gonna miss being able to call her anytime to come down for a chat but it's not like she won't be back on weekends. :) Sister, thank you for everything over the past 2 years :) I really thank God for you. As you move into a new season of life, know that I'm here cheering you on! And yes, of course you can call me anytime! *hugs*

Checking in to thank God for more time. :) Met up with the dearest prayer buddy yesterday! It was timely how I was thinking to myself, I really need to have a time of retreat and I smsed Wanteng only to find out that she was thinking the exact same thing.

We had a yummy lunch before heading down to RP. Well, God's really amazing, how He spoke right into our lives. Went for LM at RP after that and I invited Yongling to join us. It was good, gathering with sisters and brothers. I sure miss the bunch of them. I miss the Crusade family lah! (:

Irene :D

my pretty friend (she's gonna say "of course!" =D)

Wanteng and me chatting till late at my void deck after a long day

Wanteng's moving in to GCTC (Crusade place) for her training next week. Really gonna miss being able to call her anytime to come down for a chat but it's not like she won't be back on weekends. :) Sister, thank you for everything over the past 2 years :) I really thank God for you. As you move into a new season of life, know that I'm here cheering you on! And yes, of course you can call me anytime! *hugs*

Better than the riches of this world
Better than the sound of my friend's voices
Better than the biggest dreams of my heart
And that's just the start

Better than getting what I say I need
Better than living the life that I want to
Better than the love anyone could give
Your love is

You hold me now in your arms
And never let me go

You oh Lord make the sun shine
And the moon light in the night sky
You give me breath and all your love
I give my heart to you because

I can't stop falling in love with you
I'll never stop falling in love with you
I can't stop falling in love with you
I'll never stop falling in love with you
(Better Than Life, Hillsong Music Australia)

"I run in the paths of your commands, for you have set my heart free" Psalm 119:32

I wonder what it's like, to be running free like that. Someone I spoke to yesterday was truly happy, doing the things that God has set upon his heart, the joy of obeying with abandonment, even when it means running alone sometimes.

The things that they are doing are the things that I had so heavily upon my heart in the past. I wonder if I have simply allowed my heart to grow cold to what I know is important to God.

She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away

If judgment looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we've never even met her

He is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
(Does Anybody Hear Her, Casting Crowns)

So you say, life is unfair
She's got everything you wanted
and you're not even close to getting where
You wish you could be
The one who gets the commendation
Love and adulation
but you're stuck here on your knees

Are you happy Green-Eyed Monster
Are you happy with your place
what the use in being haunted
Your story for glory
is right there in your face

So be glad
You're archetype creation
You're one of a kind
Just stay on track
'cause every cross can be a blessing
All the gifts that been given
Close your eyes and listen
To who you're meant to be

Are you happy Green-Eyed Monster
Are you happy with your place
What the use in being haunted
Your story for glory
is right there in your face

Don't feed the monster
Wasting time comparing
Lose yourself despairing
I hear it taunt ya...
Hungry for a fight

Are you happy Green-Eyed Monster
Are you happy with your place
What the use in being haunted
Your story for glory
is right there in your face
(Green-Eyed Monster, Corrinne May)

Got the new Corrinne May album. :) This is one song that really stood out. I'm becoming so aware of how I get attacked - in my thoughts - in places where God's clearly blessed but the devil wants me to think otherwise. I chose to talk to a friend about something that's been burdening my heart about our friendship and I guess I'm glad I did because I see that a lot of things that's been going through my head are just lies and hearing a little from the other point of view (although, now, I do wish I listened a bit more what the friend thought) helps me adjust my own expectations. :)

(It's funny how - just this morning - I found a piece of paper from Ycom retreat 4 years ago with some pointers about the things I needed to change, one of the things people said about me is to not have too high expectations in my friendships and many years from now, I'm still learning the same lesson, but a lot more gladly now.)

I wasn't worrying about so many things when the friendship begun. It stemmed out from our prayer that God be glorified and we would edify one another. Along the way, I got selfish and focused on my own wants and expectations, that's where lies and disappointment come. I'm refocusing and that same prayer we first prayed together is still my prayer tonight. :)

I know someone was kidding when she said that she is sad that she's not as important to me. But I'm still gonna dispel that myth. :) That's not true! The kinda lessons that I've learned in our friendship and what our friendship means to me is different and incomparable. You are so precious to me my dear.

I shall end off with a quote that changed my perspective about friendships:
"When I walk on the beach to watch the sunset, I do not call out, "A little orange over the right, please," or "Would you mind giving us less purple in the back?" No, I enjoy the always-different sunsets as they are. We do well to do the same with people we love." - Carl Rogers -

When all else fails, pray then sleep. :D

What I was thinking about last night isn't bugging me anymore but something else is. Rar! Last night, I was thinking too much. This morning, there are things I promised to think and pray about but I don't want to. Maybe 'cos it's not as important to me but more likely 'cos it involves things that takes more effort for me to do.

Humans are odd like that, or more aptly, I'm odd like that: During my attachment period, I wanted it to end soon so that I can do more of the things that I like. But now that I have the time, I wish that attachment was the only thing that I have to deal with.

Totally out of point here but Wii is fun! (:

I don't like the things I feel, the things I think about. I know these lies I must fight. But I feel like walking away. Not that these things are not worth fighting for but I sometimes feel it's easier to not go back to the place where I allow myself any space for vulnerabilities or insecurities. A friend I was talking with told me that I should stop fighting for what has already been given. Sometimes I am able, sometimes, I lose sight of Jesus.

Hungry, I come to You
For I know You satisfy
I am empty
But I know Your love does not run dry
And so I wait for You
So I wait for You

I'm falling on my knees
I'm falling on my knees
Jesus You're all this heart is living for

Broken, I run to You
For Your arms are open wide
I am weary, but I know Your touch restores my life
And so I wait for You
So I wait for You
(Hungry, Kathryn Scott)

:) Holidays have officially started on Wednesday (after making up for the sessions I missed for attachment). It's been a lot of fun doing the things that I have been looking forward to.

Mon
Catching up with Anita, Corliss and Cherynne after sucha long time. Man, I really miss them and can't wait to be back in school with them the last semester (but of course we'll all enjoy and meet up during our holidays).

Met up with my year 3 DG mates at night. It's been sucha long time since we all were there! :) Sad to have Serene leave so soon for her 6 months overseas attachment but we'll all hang out before that, that's for sure.

Tue
Went to Ikea with Auntie Genin, my mentor from ASPC! (: It was so good catching up with her...it's nice having someone see me grow all these years - especially through all those awkward teenage ones. And I'm glad I am still sharing with her about the lessons that I've been learning as I settle down in my new church.

It was supper with Wanteng after that, thank you sister for being there as you've always been.

Wed
Last day at childcare. It was a little emotional at the end of the day when the little ones came to hug me. There was this particular girl who looked so sad when she heard that I wasn't gonna teach them anymore. It really made me rethink my decision about not working part-time at the centre, but in the end, I still decided against working because it's my last official long break.

Steamboat/BBQ at Yongling's with Wenchien, Raymund and Calebs after that. :) In the middle of dinner, I just felt so contented and thankful for these friends that I've been blessed with. One of my fears as I changed church was that I would be alone with no good friends. I reasoned that at least in ASPC, there are lots of people I'm familiar with.

But as I learnt to surrender these desires to God, He's been blessing me and providing me with more than I ever imagined. It sure feels like I've known them for a much longer time than the two months that I do. I love you guys. :)

Thu
Hung out with the same bunch as Wed. Got to know Ray's daddy better and he reminds me a lot of my own daddy, maybe because they're both funny. It was encouraging hearing him share about how his extended family came to know Jesus. One of my deepest desire and prayer is for my parents to come to know Jesus and be part of the WEFC family. The really cool thing is, I can actually see it happening. :)

I invited my mum to the Chinese Service and she didn't say no! (That's really a breakthrough because all these years I've tried to invite her to ASPC, she will have a whole lot of reasons to not come). I'm gonna keep persevering because God's been encouraging me, even through a teacher at the childcare I've never spoken to. She saw the cross I was wearing on Tuesday and we got to talk about our faith and she shared how she was from WEFC (!) but went to another church because she invited her mum (!!!).

She shared with me the very same verse that God's been showing me :)

"Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved—you and your household." Acts 16:31

:) I've not trusted and been so assured of my parents' salvation before. Would appreciate prayers for this.

That's all for now. Goodnight :)

aw an interesting test on Joelle's blog, here's my Johari Window. Do me a favour, click on the link and choose five or six words that you think best describe me. :)

Because I need things to look forward to as I go through the next 36 hours or so (last assignment submission for this semester):

plans for the hols:

(confirmed)
- Year 3 DG dinner
- hangout with wanteng
- Day Of His Power @ Indoor Stadium
- cut hair
- chompchomp with joelle
- guitar lessons
- crusade camp!

(unconfirmed but i want)
- hang out with ech girls!
- Year 2 DG outing
- hang out with Serene before she goes for her long long attachment
- catch up with ASPC friends
- clean, pack and redecorate my room (okay, yes, I know this is on my list every holidays, but i WILL get it done)
- hang out with Amber (my favourite kid for the moment) and her mummy :)
- EA team gathering
- Southern Cross team gathering
- learn how to play squash or/and tennis and lots of the usual dinners/suppers with the usual ppl :)

=D My holidays is starting to look good!

(verse 1)
I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in His hands

(chorus)
He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And He hears when I call

(verse 2)
I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go
(He Knows My Name)

Heard the intro of this song at Mount Zion yesterday when I exclaimed, "I really like this song!", only I couldn't remember the title the whole time. It came to me much later. The first time I heard this song, I felt such release, telling God how I felt, speaking to Him about all the disappointments and the hopelessness I felt. As I look back, I am amazed at how far He's brought me and the breakthroughs and gifts He's blessed me with in the past months.

It's interesting to see things from another perspective, kinda being on the flip side of circumstances. It has helped me understand the things I couldn't figure out in the past, it's the beginning of a journey of shifting my focus and allowing God to do the things He has long wanted in my heart. There's always new things to learn. :)

Daniel and Jacob let me listen to this song the other day and I thought it was a great and fun song. :) Did a google search and found that it has caused quite a bit of controversy, it was 'born' in 1989 and 'died' in 2004, there is even an eulogy of the song.

"Cartoons"
by Chris Rice

I was thinking the other day
What if cartoons got saved?
They'd start singing praise
In a whole new way

Yeah, I was thinking the other day
What if cartoons got saved?
They'd start singing praise
In a whole new way

Fred and Wilma Flintstone sing
ya-ba-daba-lujah

Scooby-do and Shaggy
scooby-do-be-lujah

And the Jetson's dog named Astro
ra-ra-ru-jah

'Cos I was thinking the other day
What if cartoons got saved?
They'd start singing praise
In a whole new way

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
cowabunga-lujah, dude

Then there's Kermit the Frog here,
singing hi-ho-la-lujah

And that little bald guy, Elmer Fudd
hallelujah, uh

Cos I was thinking the other day
What if cartoons got saved?
They'd start singing praise
In a whole new way

Oh that big ol' Moose and his friend Rocky,
ba-ya-ca-bujah

And our favorite bear named Yogi,
hi-a-baa-lujah

And There's all those little blue guys
And they'd sing..
la-la-lalalala-lalala-lujah

Oh, how 'bout Beavis, and that other guy
nah!

Now there's a point to this looney tune
I'm not an animaniac, but there's a lot of praising to do
And cartoons weren't made for that,
It's our job. Oh, yeah

So let's sing Hallelujah (Hallelujah)
Hallelujah (Hallelujah)
Hallelujah (Hallelujah)

Personally I feel that this will be a fun song to do in Sunday School. I think the kids will love it and it's so much easier to explain to them about praising God from this song because it's something they can grasp. Never should it replace God's Word whatsoever but I don't feel that singing this song is losing that revernce for God as some people are so strongly opinionated about. This has sparked off a whole train of thoughts and I will write more about it when I've gotten them sorted out. ;)

If my heart has grown cold
There Your love will unfold
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand
When I’m blind to my way
There Your Spirit will pray
As You open my eyes
To the work of Your hand
As You open my eyes
To the work of Your hand

Oceans will part; nations come
At the whisper of Your call
Hope will rise; glory shown
In my life, Your will be done

Present suffering may pass
Lord, Your mercy will last
As You open my eyes
To the work of Your hand
And my heart will find praise
I’ll delight in Your way
As You open my eyes
To the work of Your hand
As You open my eyes
To the work of Your hand
(Oceans Will Part, Hillsong)

One of my favourite songs from the new "Mighty To Save" album.

During our tutorial on Wednesday, two of the girlfriends were lamenting about how their boyfriends were going to the army. I voiced out my thoughts about how maybe I should just go for guys who've finished their army, save a whole lot of trouble ya know.

Someone went, that's quite smart, you go for ready built houses. I wrinkled my nose, but what if the boy I like happen to have not finished army? Then you need to go through the time in army with him. You get a house you're more satisfied with when you go about the renovation yourself. I can't remember the exact conversation but it was something to the effect. Trust them to come up with a parallel between boyfriends and renovating houses. Hurhur, sometimes I get so amused by them.

But anyway, after talking to jOyce yestersday and thinking about it a bit more, I have decided that I'll stop looking for Mr Right. I've realized that I don't have a lot of good/close guy friends and I want to just focus on learning to build such friendships. :) Have started and it's been enjoyable so far.